Almost unbreakable

I try to justify… to myself. I try to explain… to myself. I try to “make sense” of it… to myself. I try to reason… with myself.

But there’s no way around it.

Some days… I simply struggle with the weight of my responsibilities. And I break.

Listen, I take a lot of pride in being strong. I take a lot of pride in being the man my kids need me to be. I’ve got broad shoulders. I can handle it. I’m a pillar of strength. My kids need that.

Somehow… I think even others need to see that in me.

But sometimes… I’m messed up. And I’m NOT proud of it.

My sweet wife passed away in October of 2021. Shelly was the love of my life. My sweetheart. My focus. My world.

We had been married for 30 years and had created what we called a “Top 1%” happy marriage.

And up until She passed away, NOTHING could shake me. I was a master of my emotions. When things got hard, I stood tall. I never got tired (or at least I’d never admit it) I never broke down, I never hit a wall. I had worked hard to be “unbreakable.” And I WAS.

“Bring it!” I’d scream in my mind when faced with trials. “You got this!” I’d yelp internally when faced with hardship or challenges.

And Shelly knew that.

She’d turn to me when things went wrong KNOWING… I’d simply take care of it. It made me feel like her “Knight in Shining Armor.” It gave her (and me) confidence that there was nothing that we could not handle together.

And I know she loved that about me. Like I said… “unbreakable.”

But…

But…

On more occasions than I’ like to admit since Shelly has passed away, including recently… I simply cannot get out of bed.

Paralyzed by fear… or sadness… or pain… or… “I-Just-Don’t-Know-What!”
But I find myself simply lying in bed not even wanting to be here anymore.

I don’t know what it is. Nothing unusual. Nothing specific. It’s a day like any other.

Except I feel a deep pit in my stomach. I feel sick. I feel worthless.

So, I try to justify… to myself. I’ve been a bit sick and not taken any time to get better. That’s it. Now that I know what’s happening, I can get back to normal.

But…

Nope. The pit in my stomach deepens and the suffering continues.

So, I try to make sense… to myself. It’s the Holiday season. That’s what it is. I always miss her more on Holiday’s. Now that I know, I can clean myself up and get back to rolling along.

But…

Nope. I feel like I want to throw-up.

So, I try to reason with myself. “Get to work.” That’s the answer. “Lose yourself in that.” I think.

But…

It doesn’t help. My heart simply hurts.

So I decide to come clean… to myself.

“Okay… okay. Today… I’m simply suffering from a severe case of heartbreak. And it hurts.. it REALLY hurts.”

But I already knew that. I haven’t come clean… I’ve simply allowed myself to say it out loud.

I don’t like to admit this but I’ve learned something new about myself since Shelly passed away. Something I really don’t like about myself.

I learned I’m not THAT strong. I’m not THAT tough. I can’t just TOUGH EVERYTHING OUT.

There IS something too hard for me to handle. There IS something that will “shake” me. I am not unbreakable. Sometimes… I break.

Listen, I am an expert at focusing on the positives in my life. And I really don’t like the idea of simply enduring. I chose each and every day to “thrive.” And I make that happen consistently. That’s who I am… and that’s who I WANT to be.

I feel like it’s a special gift given to me by God. So I will do everything in my power to magnify that gift.

But right now… I write this as a broken man. With eyes flooded with tears.

And I’m just going to have to be okay with that.

But just for today. Watch out tomorrow… I’ll be back stronger than ever.

You know… “almost” unbreakable.