Almost unbreakable

I try to justify… to myself. I try to explain… to myself. I try to “make sense” of it… to myself. I try to reason… with myself.

But there’s no way around it.

Some days… I simply struggle with the weight of my responsibilities. And I break.

Listen, I take a lot of pride in being strong. I take a lot of pride in being the man my kids need me to be. I’ve got broad shoulders. I can handle it. I’m a pillar of strength. My kids need that.

Somehow… I think even others need to see that in me.

But sometimes… I’m messed up. And I’m NOT proud of it.

My sweet wife passed away in October of 2021. Shelly was the love of my life. My sweetheart. My focus. My world.

We had been married for 30 years and had created what we called a “Top 1%” happy marriage.

And up until She passed away, NOTHING could shake me. I was a master of my emotions. When things got hard, I stood tall. I never got tired (or at least I’d never admit it) I never broke down, I never hit a wall. I had worked hard to be “unbreakable.” And I WAS.

“Bring it!” I’d scream in my mind when faced with trials. “You got this!” I’d yelp internally when faced with hardship or challenges.

And Shelly knew that.

She’d turn to me when things went wrong KNOWING… I’d simply take care of it. It made me feel like her “Knight in Shining Armor.” It gave her (and me) confidence that there was nothing that we could not handle together.

And I know she loved that about me. Like I said… “unbreakable.”

But…

But…

On more occasions than I’ like to admit since Shelly has passed away, including recently… I simply cannot get out of bed.

Paralyzed by fear… or sadness… or pain… or… “I-Just-Don’t-Know-What!”
But I find myself simply lying in bed not even wanting to be here anymore.

I don’t know what it is. Nothing unusual. Nothing specific. It’s a day like any other.

Except I feel a deep pit in my stomach. I feel sick. I feel worthless.

So, I try to justify… to myself. I’ve been a bit sick and not taken any time to get better. That’s it. Now that I know what’s happening, I can get back to normal.

But…

Nope. The pit in my stomach deepens and the suffering continues.

So, I try to make sense… to myself. It’s the Holiday season. That’s what it is. I always miss her more on Holiday’s. Now that I know, I can clean myself up and get back to rolling along.

But…

Nope. I feel like I want to throw-up.

So, I try to reason with myself. “Get to work.” That’s the answer. “Lose yourself in that.” I think.

But…

It doesn’t help. My heart simply hurts.

So I decide to come clean… to myself.

“Okay… okay. Today… I’m simply suffering from a severe case of heartbreak. And it hurts.. it REALLY hurts.”

But I already knew that. I haven’t come clean… I’ve simply allowed myself to say it out loud.

I don’t like to admit this but I’ve learned something new about myself since Shelly passed away. Something I really don’t like about myself.

I learned I’m not THAT strong. I’m not THAT tough. I can’t just TOUGH EVERYTHING OUT.

There IS something too hard for me to handle. There IS something that will “shake” me. I am not unbreakable. Sometimes… I break.

Listen, I am an expert at focusing on the positives in my life. And I really don’t like the idea of simply enduring. I chose each and every day to “thrive.” And I make that happen consistently. That’s who I am… and that’s who I WANT to be.

I feel like it’s a special gift given to me by God. So I will do everything in my power to magnify that gift.

But right now… I write this as a broken man. With eyes flooded with tears.

And I’m just going to have to be okay with that.

But just for today. Watch out tomorrow… I’ll be back stronger than ever.

You know… “almost” unbreakable.


Posted

in

by

Tags:

Comments

One response to “Almost unbreakable”

  1. Heather Browning Avatar
    Heather Browning

    Hi Kyle! Heather (Wilks) Browning here. You may or may not remember me from our youth church days. I just heard the news about Shelly. I am so sorry! I was shocked when listening to the podcast you recently did that Anthony Lloyd posted. My heart aches for you. I don’t know why it seems that Heavenly Father calls home the best of us before it should their time. Why he feels we would be able to survive the deep hurt and emotional loss. When my first husband passed away I just didn’t know what to say or feel. It wasn’t possible that THIS could be my life! Many days were filled with the “what am I going to do know?” Thoughts and others just plain sorrow. It has been 23 years since that day. I have watched my children grow up without their dad and there are plenty of days that I still look towards Heaven and say “really! THIS is the life I get to navigate as a single parent!”. But then I am reminded of the many people that have been put in our lives, in my children’s lives through out the years to ease the burden. As a family we are very close, the three of us. And I have been made aware countless times of the extra guiding heavenly help. You will never stop missing Shelly. You will always look for ways to see her in your kids and there will always be a yearning. But what I do know with a surety is that You can go on. You can still be the person You were meant to be. You can stand with Heavenly help. You can find your laughter again in tough situations. I know this because after 23 years I have. Love to you and your kiddos (most of who are grown by now). And when you have those days of not wanting to get out of bed…stay under the covers for just an hour or two and then rise with hope in your heart and the energy of the true Kyle Jetsel I remember!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *