I remember watching Shelly one evening after what most people would have called an exhausting day.
The kitchen looked like a tornado had wandered through it. One of our kids was crying because someone looked at them “the wrong way.” Another had somehow managed to spill milk in three different places with one cup. Dinner was late. The laundry wasn’t folded. The phone had rung all afternoon, and somewhere between helping a friend, comforting one kid, correcting another, and trying to remember whether she’d already started the dishwasher, she hadn’t sat down once.
I walked in, leaned against the countertop, looked at the mess, and asked a question I thought any reasonable husband would ask.
“Are you burned out?”
She looked up from the sink, smiled, and said something I’ll never forget.
“No… I’m just living.”
“I don’t DO burnout.”
At the time, I thought she might have just snapped. She wasn’t. She was for real.
It took me awhile, but years later, I started to understand she was sharing with me one of the greatest secrets she ever modeled for me and the kids.
Today, “burnout” has become one of the most common words in our vocabulary.
“I’m burned out.”
“I’m emotionally exhausted.”
“I just need to get away.”
Sometimes those words describe something very real. There are certainly times when people need rest, healing, maybe even medical care. Life can be overwhelming and heavy, and those moments deserve compassion — not judgment.
But Shelly shared with me something different.
She believed many people may have been subconciously using burnout as an explanation for something much deeper.
She would watch someone quit a job or a task because they were burned out…
…only to become burned out again at the next job.
Someone would leave a relationship because they were burned out…
…only to experience the same frustratiosituation somewhere else.
Someone would disappear for a vacation, a retreat, or a weekend away…
…only to return carrying the exact same weight they had left with.
She would gently ask, “What if the problem isn’t where you are?”
That question wasn’t intended to shame anyone. Rather, I saw it as an invitation.
Because you cannot vacation away a mindset.
You cannot escape habits by changing scenery.
And if the reason for your burnout is still waiting at home for you when you return, maybe it wasn’t “a break” you needed. Maybe it was your circumstances need changing first.
More than anything… Perhaps it was the way “you experienced them.”
Shelly also quiently shared with me something that most people never want to talk about.
Sometimes people seem to almost ENJOY announcing they were “burned out.”
Not because they were pretending.
But because… maybe somewhere underneath… it sounded… admirable.
“I’m so overwhelmed.”
“I’ve just been working myself to death.”
“I’ve given everything I have.”
Without meaning to, it can become a unconcious “badge of honor.”
As though exhaustion proves importance.
As though depletion is evidence of significance.
Shelly never wanted that badge.
Not because she worked less.
Anyone who knew her would laugh at that idea.
She raised six strong-willed children.
She served people constantly.
She carried burdens most people never saw.
She loved deeply.
She sacrificed daily.
No one could accuse Shelly of having an easy life.
Yet I can count on one hand the number of times I ever heard her describe herself as burned out.
Why?
Because she celebrated differently.
Most people celebrate outcomes.
Shelly celebrated faithfulness.
If dinner turned out well…
she celebrated.
If she stayed patient when one of the kids tested every ounce of her self-control…
she celebrated.
If she apologized quickly after making a mistake…
she celebrated.
If she encouraged a friend…
she celebrated.
If she smiled at a stranger…
she celebrated.
If she chose love when irritation would have been easier…
she celebrated.
Notice something.
Almost every celebration involved something she controlled.
Not the outcome.
Not someone else’s behavior.
Not whether life cooperated.
Only her own choices.
Those tiny celebrations became emotional fuel.
Most of us wait until life gets easier before allowing ourselves to feel successful.
I think Shelly allowed herself to feel successful because she was becoming the kind of person she wanted to become.
Those are two very different ways to live.
One afternoon, after an especially difficult day with the kids, I expected Shelly to get overwhelmed with discouragement.
She didn’t. Instead, she looked into my eyes (I LOVED when she did that) and then with a humble – yet tired, small grin, she said…
“I did pretty good today.”
I glanced around.
The house wasn’t quieter. The kids weren’t easier. Nothing much had seemed like it had improved.
“Oh yeah? What do you mean?” I asked.
She simply answered… “I stayed calm.”
That was it.
She had won the day’s battle. A battle no one else could see.
And to her, that mattered more than whether the day had been easy.
She wasn’t measuring success by thee being no problems.
She measured success by how she loved. Did they feel it? Did she express it?
I was happy to get on board (and it changed everything) when she told me this.
“All these challenges are easier when I focus on gratitude.
I know that sounds too simple. Until you try it.
Cooking dinner “because you have to” feels different than cooking dinner because you get to feed people you love.
Cleaning a messy house “because nobody appreciates you” feels different than caring for a home filled with people worth loving.
Correcting a child “because they’re ruining your day” feels different than seeing discipline as one more chance to prepare them for adulthood.
The work often stayed exactly the same. But the meaning and the internal feelings changed.
And when the meaning and feelings changed… emotional weight absolutely changes.
Love has a way of making heavy things feel lighter. Gratitude has a remarkableeems to have a way of lowering stress.
Not because everything gets easier… but because your heart becomes stronger.
Did Shelly ever get tired? Sure, of course. Did she ever need sleep? Yep. She needed her sleep.
Did she ever have difficult days? More than most people would ever know.
She wasn’t trying to pretend life was easy.
She just decided not to believe that happiness could only be had by going on the the next vacation, or the next escape, or when life changes.
She learned to find joy WHILE.
While picking up around the house. While sewing. While crafting. While snuggling on our crying kids. While serving friends. While doing ordinary things with more love.
She didn’t spend her life waiting for the chaos to subside. Waiting for her journey to end. She learned to love the journey WHILE it was happening.
After Shelly passed away, I found myself thinking about all the conversations we’d had over the years.
Many things came back to me. But on more than most.
Shelly never believe she needed to escape her life. She decided to enjoy living it. And that wasn’t something she was born with.
It wasn’t because our kids got easier. It wasn’t because she had less stress. It wasn’t because she developed supernatural patience.
It was something she worked at. One small celebration at a time. One grateful thought at a time. One loving decision at a time.
Over the years, those simple little choices changed the way she experienced the very same life everyone else saw.
Maybe that’s the challenge I’d leave with you today.
Not to deny that your exhausted. Not to ignore when you genuinely need rest. Not to pretend everything is fine when it isn’t.
But to ask a very simple question:
“Am I waiting to love my life after it gets easier… or could I begin learning to love the journey of my life today?”
Shelly would tell you that this is a skill that can be learned. A habit that can be formed. A way of seeing your life that can be crafted.
She learned it. I watched her learn it.
And if she could learn it in the middle of raising six strong-willed children, serving everyone around her, and carrying burdens most people never knew about…
Perhaps you can learn it too.
Not because life will become easier. But because you will become different.
Just like I watched her.
“The greatest gift you give your children isn’t a mom who never gets tired. It’s a mom who learns, little by little, to find joy in becoming the woman she was created to be.”
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