If you’ve ever asked, “Why won’t my kids listen to me?”, I want to challenge that question.
Why? You may be asking the wrong one.
After raising six kids, studying parenting, and watching my wife Shelly develop what became the Shelly Method (www.theshellymethod.com) I’ve learned that “My kids won’t listen” is rarely the entire problem.
We often try to fix the behavior before understanding what’s causing it.
I remember Shelly and I watching parents struggle with this over and over.
“Get dressed.” Nothing.
“Come on. I told you to get dressed.” Still nothing.
“WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?”
Suddenly, the volume goes up—and eventually, the child moves.
Mom thinks, Finally! She listened. But did she?
Or did we just teach the child that Mom’s words don’t really matter until Mom gets angry?
Your Kid is Not the Only Variable Here.
One of Shelly’s strongest realizations was that parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Your kid isn’t my kid. As a matter of fact ALL 6 of our kids were different.
What worked for one great… sometimes completely fail with the others.
That’s why Shelly developed the C.O.S.T. process:
C — Challenge: What’s actually happening?
O — Objective: What do I want my child to learn?
S — Strategy: What approach might get us there?
T — Tactics: What will I actually do next time?
Instead of saying, “My kid never listens,” get specific.
When doesn’t your child listen? When they’re tired? Transitioning into something new? When they are playing? Maybe when they are embarrassed… or overwhelmed? Or maybe finally, when you’ve already asked five times?
Those are completely different problems… and they mostly ask for different approaches.
Don’t Freak Out
One of my favorite parts of the Shelly Method is a strategy that helped her to not “flip out” when the kids really challenged her.
Maybe when one of them didn’t put on their shoes. She “used to” think… they don’t respect me. One of them would argue. She “used to” think… they’re becoming a horrible person. Maybe one would disagree. She “used to” think… I’ve failed as a parent.
hen she did that she was no longer responding to the behavior. She was responding to the story she was creating about the behavior.
What Shelly showed me was that sometimes the fastest way to change our kids behavior was to first change OUR response to it. And that’s kinda uncomfortable.
Sometimes our kids don’t listen because we’ve accidentally trained them not to. If we ask five times before taking action, they learn the first four requests don’t really count.
If we threaten consequences we don’t enforce, they learn the consequences aren’t real. If we only become serious when we yell, they learn our calm voice can be ignored.
Keep in mind, that’s not a reason to feel guilty. It’s simply a pattern they noticed. And patterns can change.
We don’t have to solve our kids entire personality right away. Sometimes, it’s much better to make just one good decision.
We can ask oursleves:
What exactly did I ask?
Does my child understand?
What’s making cooperation difficult?
What do I want them to learn?
What’s the best thing I can do next?
That’s parenting. Not perfection. There’s NOT a magic formula.
Learning your individual child and becoming intentional about how you respond. That’s what Shelly spent years developing.
And that’s why I created “The Shelly Method” Book and Success Kit. It’s not another book full of generic parenting advice, but a framework for creating a customized map for raising your kids.
Because your kid is different. All kids are different. Your parenting strategy should be, too.
The Shelly Method: How to Enjoy Becoming the Mom You’ve Always Hoped to Be, While Building the Family You’ve Always Dreamed Of.
See more here -> www.theshellymethod.com
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