I’ll never forget something I learned about my wife Shelly.
We raised six kids together. If you’ve ever raised kids, you know that a house full of kids can sometimes be like a circus that has zero control of its performers.
There were days when the kids were arguing, somebody was crying, somebody wasn’t listening, something had been spilled, and dinner still needed to be made. There were things that never seemed to end. There were days when I would look at Shelly and wonder, “How in the world does she keep doing this?”
But something about her was different.
She didn’t seem to approach life the way so many moms around her did. She rarely talked about being overwhelmed. She didn’t announce that she needed to get away all the time. And I don’t remember one time where she seemed to wish for a different life.
Rather, she seemed to have learned something that I didn’t fully appreciate until after she was gone.
Shelly had learned how to enjoy the day-to-day, even when the day-to-day wasn’t always enjoyable.
And she had some pretty interesting thoughts about mom-burnout.
Shelly told me that moms sometimes used the word “burnout” as a way to escape things they just didn’t want to deal with anymore.
She also told me there was something seemingly magnetic to other moms about telling people they were burned out.
Why?
Because saying you’re burned out can sometimes be another way of saying, “Look how hard I’ve been working. I’ve been doing SO MUCH that I simply can’t do it anymore.”
Of course there are moms who really do reach a point of physical and emotional exhaustion, Shelly thought the word was sometimes being used too commomly.
She thought people occasionally confused being tired of their circumstances with being burned out by their circumstances.
Shelly claimed there is a difference.
She also explained to me that some moms spent so much time focusing on what was difficult, what wasn’t getting done, what wasn’t going their way, and what they wished they could escape that they inadvertently made their lives more emotionally exhausting that it may have needed to be.
Shelly didn’t want to live that way.
She had a different strategy.
Her Secret Was Celebrating the Little Things
Shelly believed that one of the reasons she rarely, if ever, experienced burnout was because she regularly celebrated little victories in her life.
And I mean LITTLE victories.
If the kids were acting crazy and she managed to respond with patience instead of frustration, that was a win.
If she cooked a great dinner, that was a win.
If she helped a friend, that was a win.
If she was kind to a stranger, that was a win.
If she handled a difficult situation with love instead of anger, that was a win.
She didn’t need the kids to act perfect to have a good day. She didn’t need everything on her to-do list done. She didn’t need the house to look like a magazine or every circumstance to be done exactly right.
She just looked for and found things she had control over and decided to feel good about them.
I want you to think about that for a moment.
How many moms go through an entire day doing dozens of great things without ever celebrating anything?
They get the kids dressed, prepare meals, clean the house, handle disagreements, help with homework, comfort a child, encourage their husband, help a friend, and somehow manage to keep everyone moving in the right direction.
And at the end of the day, what do they think about?
The one thing they didn’t get done.
The one kid who acted up.
The one fight they wish they had handled differently.
The laundry not being done.
The things they SHOULD have done.
Shelly would have looked at that woman and asked her to consider this…
“What if you started celebrating everything you DID do instead of constantly criticizing yourself for everything you didn’t?”
I think that’s a question worth asking.
Because a mother who never celebrates herself can spend years feeling unsuccessful while accomplishing amazing things every single day.
The Spirit in Which You Do Something Changes Everything
But Shelly discovered something else that I think was even more important.
She believed that the spirit in which you approach something can change really how that experience affects you.
Consider two mothers doing exactly the same thing.
Both are cleaning up a mess.
Both are making dinner.
Both are dealing with kids who aren’t listening.
Both have things they’d rather not be doing at that particular moment.
One does it all with resentment.
“Why am I always the one doing everything?”
“Why can’t anybody help me?”
“Why can’t my kids just listen?”
“I can’t wait until this is over.”
The other does it with a spirit of love and gratitude.
“I’m grateful for these kids.”
“I get to make dinner for the family I love.”
“I get to teach my children something today.”
“I can decide to handle this situation with patience.”
Are their circumstances any different?
Nope.
Are their responsibilities different?
Nope.
But their experiences are dramatically different.
Shelly believed that approaching even the difficult parts of life with love and gratitude could magically reduce the stress associated with those experiences.
She wasn’t suggesting that hard things are easy.
She was suggesting that we don’t have to make already hard things emotionally harder than they already are.
And I think she was onto something.
Sometimes the biggest difference between a miserable day and a great day isn’t what happened to us. It’s the way we see it.
A Different Way to Look at Being a Mom.
I want more mothers to understood what Shelly understood.
You don’t have to wait until your children are older to enjoy your life.
You don’t have to wait until they start listening.
You don’t have to wait until the house is clean, the schedule is on track, the money is better, or everyone finally starts acting right…
You can experience joy right now.
In fact, Shelly understood that waiting for life to become easier before allowing yourself to enjoy it was a mistake.
Because life doesn’t necessarily become easier.
The kids grow up, but new challenges arrive. The responsibilities change, but they don’t disappear. There will always be something that needs working on.
If your happiness depends on everything finally going the way you want it to, you’ll probably spend way too much time waiting for a day that never comes.
Shelly didn’t want that.
She wanted to enjoy raising our kids WHILE she was raising them.
She wanted to enjoy being my wife WHILE she was my wife.
She wanted to appreciate the little moments WHILE they were happening.
And she wanted to find reasons to be grateful even on the days when things didn’t go according to plan.
Looking back, I realize how much wisdom there is in the way she saw the world.
Maybe You Don’t Need to Escape Your Life. Maybe You Need to Experience It Differently.
I need to be careful here.
I’m not saying that mothers should ignore real exhaustion, push through unhealthy circumstances, or feel guilty about needing rest. Sometimes a break is exactly what a mom needs.
But I do think Shelly would have asked mothers to ask themselves a different question before deciding that burnout was the answer.
Instead of asking, “How can I get away from all of this?” maybe ask…
“How can I learn to enjoy more of this?”
Instead of asking, “When will things finally get easier?” maybe ask…
“What can I appreciate about today?”
Instead of measuring the success of your day by what got done, maybe measure it by the love, patience, kindness, and gratitude you brought into it.
I never forget watching Shelly go through ordinary, what seemed to be routine days that would have exhausted many people. Six kids, never ending things to do, unexpected challenges, and all the little surprises that come with raising a family.
Yet she didn’t seem to spend her days wanting to be somewhere else.
She found happiness in the little things.
She celebrated the moments when she handled something well. She found joy in helping people. She appreciated the opportunity to love her family. And when something difficult happened, she tried to approach it with the same spirit of love and gratitude.
She wasn’t waiting for the journey to end so she could finally enjoy herself.
She was learning to love the journey itself.
And perhaps that’s why she so rarely felt the need to get away from it.
Here’s What I Wish Every Mom Could Understand
Shelly is gone now.
And if there’s one thing I wish I could do, it would be to sit with her again and tell her how much I appreciate the things she taught me.
I wish I could tell her that I finally understand that what she was doing wasn’t simply parenting.
She was practicing a way of living.
She had figured out that happiness doesn’t have to be something we wait on until things improve. It can be something we intentionally create through the way we think, the way we respond, and the things we choose to celebrate.
She understood that a mom could have a difficult day and still have a wonderful life.
She understood that a challenging kid didn’t have to mean a miserable childhood.
She understood that doing something hard with a spirit of love could make the experience more meaningful – and seemingly easier.
And she understood that the little victories we celebrate along the way can become the things that sustain us.
So, to the mom who is reading this while wondering when she will finally get a break, I want to leave you with something I think Shelly would say…
Don’t forget to enjoy the life you’re working hard to build.
Don’t let the unfinished laundry steal the joy of the dinner you made.
Don’t let the one difficult moment outweigh the ten wonderful things you did today.
Don’t let your children’s challenging behavior convince you that you’re failing.
And please, don’t spend so much time wishing this season of motherhood would hurry up and pass that you miss the beautiful moments hidden inside it.
Celebrate the little things.
Be grateful for the things you can control.
Do the difficult things with a spirit of love.
And remember that you are allowed to feel good about yourself even when everything isn’t perfect.
I watched Shelly live her life this way.
I watched her find joy in ordinary things. I watched her turn difficult situations into chancs to practice love. And I watched her build a life in which she didn’t constantly feel the need to escape.
There are no words to describe how much I miss her.
But I am grateful that she left behind a message worth sharing.
Because I believe mothers deserve more than a temporary escape from their responsibilities.
Moms deserve to discover how to experience joy while living them.
And maybe, just maybe, the secret isn’t finding a way to take a break from the journey.
Maybe it’s learning to fall in love with it.