I was SHOCKED at the power of the storm.
It may not surprise you to learn that after my wife Shelly passed away, it was a bit overwhelming emotionally for me to go into my bedroom for more than a few minutes at a time.
But I knew eventually, I’d have to face that anxiety and pain.
So…
About a month after her passing I stood up straight and tall, called upon all the courage I could… and decided… tonight’s the night I “face the storm.”
And…
I was shocked at the POWER I faced.
As I entered my bedroom and faced the pain, I reached down under the end of the bed and pulled out a pillow to kneel on and pray.
In the same spot, at the foot of our bed… just as I had been doing with Shelly for much of our 30 years of marriage… to pray together.
Turning to God was a regular for Shelly and I… but this time was different.
VERY DIFFERENT.
As I started to pray… instead of a feeling of gratitude, instead of a feeling of humility, instead of a feeling of love… I was overwhelmed with a feeling of…
BETRAYAL.
Yep. I’m a bit ashamed to say it… but I felt betrayed that Shelly was not kneeling next to me as she’d been almost every day for more than 30 years.
As I felt the anger, and discouragement grow, I screamed in my mind…
“How could you do this to Shelly and I, God? Did we not try to do what we’d been asked by YOU? We’d knelt together right here… to praise YOU. Why God! Why!? You’ve left me alone. You could have saved her. I don’t want to pray to you anymore. This just isn’t fair. IT’S NOT RIGHT, God!”
“How could you take her away from me. The world needed the beauty she brought. I need her. Our six KIDS need her.”
“How COULD YOU DO THIS?!”
I could feel the anger and discouragement and rage building. I could feel my hands balled into fists and heat rising through my body.
Then… almost in an instant… I caught myself… and asked…
“What Am I Thinking?”
And felt a calming force come over me. A calming force MUCH STRONGER than the force of the storm.
I felt God’s overwhelming love for me, took a deep cleansing breath and calmly considered, “What is happening here?”
Oh, I get it. I KNOW what’s happening.
I know I’m a target right now for the devil. I know he THINKS I’m vulnerable. Ah… I get it. I see what’s happening.
Why not take your best shot at a guy who’s world has been rocked by the sudden death of the love of his life? The mother of his children. Why not give it your best shot and poke at a guy who’s standing on what may seem to be shaky ground?
I’d be taking my best shot right at me right now, too.
Aha. I get it. The devil is trying his best to plant seeds in my mind of anger towards God… and have me nurture those seeds through my thoughts of despair and betrayal. Maybe even… get me to run away from God (and love) and towards the devil (and misery.)
You see, many years ago, as I had faced challenges in our family I came to believe something overwhelmingly powerful.
I believe that God loves us and wants us to be happy. I also believe the devil does NOT love us and wants us to be miserable.
If I buy into and follow thoughts that drive me away from God and love… betrayal, disappointment, discouragement, anger, bitterness… surely I’d find myself running away from God and the happiness he wants for me… and running towards the misery that the devil would have me experience.
So…
I STOPPED EVERYTHING… stood up, grabbed my pillow and moved it to the side of the bed and DECIDED…
This is my new spot to pray. But now, I will pray with my “Angel Shelly” kneeling next to me.
As I kneeled (in my brand new spot) I felt her presence and was comforted as I felt extreme gratitude, humility and love.
It’s no surprise that in that moment, my emotions were pretty raw.
More than two years later, they STILL ARE.
I’ve started to realize that I am currently in a pretty intense “growth” phase of my life. Not by choice, but by necessity. And when I am in that phase, it is inevitable that I will have to occasionally face a big, nasty, overwhelming storm.
And my job… when that happens… is to overcome it.
To “catch” myself in negative and damaging thoughts and switch them to thoughts of love.
My job is NOT to get sucked in to the storm and never escape. It’s NOT to retreat or be afraid. It’s NOT to run and hide. It’s NOT to go into a victim mentality. And it’s NOT to make excuses… or justify.
Because THAT way of thinking will drive me away from God and love.
Believe me… I know these are all EASY things to do. And it’s commonly where we can end up.
You know… because it’s painful when you’re swept into the storm. And I’ve never experienced a storm in my life that has been this powerful and overwhelming.
But I must consider…
How can I turn to God and love in these times? What emotions and thoughts will drive me towards goodness? Because if I succumb to the adversary’s desire for me to be miserable… I WILL BE miserable. And there WILL be a price.
A heavy price. And not just paid by me… but by many who surround me.
But when we weather the storms well we can start to realize that those storms can be our greatest teacher.
Storms will test us and try us. Storms are feedback that we’ve gone as far as we can go as the current version of ourselves. And it’s exciting to me to think there’s now an opportunity to become a new version, a better version, a higher version of ourselves.
There was a time when I prayed God would take away the storms. But that’s just not the way life (or God) works.
So now, I don’t pray for God to take away the storms. I pray for the strength to weather them well. I pray for the strength and ability to see the gift in the storm.
Because when we focus on the storm, all is see… is the storm. And it’s incredibly big and overwhelmingly frightening. But when we expand our perspective and see the big picture, we can surrender to the growth.
That’s when we can listen to the little voice inside that’s telling us there’s a better version that’s ready to shine through.
There’s another version of us that can face and OVERCOME that storms we will face.
And it’s ALREADY INSIDE us.
Even if the power of the storm, at least initially, is SHOCKING.
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